Disclaimer: This chapter includes character flashbacks to trauma and abuse.
Jackal Bangs
I knew as soon as I flipped on the light in my room that I couldn't do this.
White. White was everywhere. White walls, white sheets, white carpet.
My world rocked and my vision closed around the white bed. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn't—
No. I needed to focus. I couldn't panic again. Not twice in one day. How I wanted the door open! I’d shut it as I entered, but now my muscles felt like jelly and I couldn't open it. I hit the light switch as I sank to the floor, closing myself in the darkness. It was as bad as the white room, but at least darkness hid what I knew was coming. It was mine to pretend in, for just a second. But I was too late. The world was already spinning, my breathing was out of control. I couldn’t think. I couldn't—
No. No . . .
“No! No, please!” I twisted away from their hands, pulling futilely at the cuffs. “I’ll be good. I'll be really good! Just please don't—”
They were going to do it anyway. Hands held me still, and the mask was slipped on. Tears slid from my eyes as I tried one last plea. It came out as a moan under the mask.
He leaned over me, eyes hard and terrifying, a deep black that glittered like the surgical tools he kept so readily at hand. “This is what happens when you're not good,” he said, his voice grating in my ears. “When you don't listen. When you try to get out.”
He stepped away. “Turn it on.”
A hissing sound, and the mask filled with that dizzying scent. I couldn't breathe. If I breathed, it would work. I couldn't breathe. My chest rose and fell faster, defying me. Then the world faded, with all the pain and fear still trapped inside me. It was part of me. It would always be part of me. This was my life.
This was what happened when I tried to escape.
My entire body shook as the memory faded back into reality. My face was wet with tears. The little bit of light that had come under the door from the hallway was gone, leaving me in total darkness.
I twisted my wrists experimentally, and my breath rushed out in shaky relief. They were free. I was free. I was in—in Taegan’s house. No one could find me here, right?
“This is what happens when you try to escape.”
I gripped my knees, trying to steady myself and keep ahold of my sanity. Taegan wouldn't bring me back to them. He wouldn't. Would he? He believed in freedom; he worked to free people.
To free other people. Not me.
He freed kids . . . from slavery. I was—I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was never really a slave, just . . . someone no one wanted. An extra. Maybe they were the only ones who wanted me. I was useful to them for some reason.
I shuddered again. I had to get out of this room. I had to get out before I caused one of the other attacks. Before someone found me curled up and useless on the floor and brought me back there.
I groped my fingers up the door until I found the handle and let myself out into the hall. It was empty, but a tray of food sat on the floor by the door. I stopped and stared at it. I’d forgotten about dinner. I didn’t feel like eating, but I had barely touched breakfast or lunch. I scrubbed my sleeve across my face, trying to erase my tears. I couldn't stay upstairs, not alone, but I couldn’t go downstairs looking upset.
Gingerly, I picked up the tray. It felt heavy in my trembling hands. My legs didn’t want to support my weight as I made my way slowly down the stairs. I had been given a tour of the main floor and shown to my room when I first arrived in the morning, so I found the dining room without much difficulty.
I paused outside the door, fighting that clawing fear in my throat that tried to steal my breath. My chest hurt. I leaned my shoulder against the wall and tried to get a glimpse into the room without being seen.
Taegan and his family were gathered around the table with Curtis. There was an extra seat, probably where I would be if I hadn’t asked to eat in my room. That was a bad idea.
No. This was a bad idea. They looked happy. I was . . . a mess. No happy family should have me imposing on them. I was just a worthless orphan. I didn’t belong to a family; what made me think I could sit with theirs?
I started to push away from the wall, but Taegan’s voice stopped me. He wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to . . . to God. My trembling grew worse, if it could, and I watched the bowl of soup on my tray shake as I stood there. It was going to spill if this kept up.
“Father in Heaven,” he began. “We thank you for the food you’ve provided, and for bringing us together to enjoy it tonight. We thank you for your guidance today in court and at home, and your protection. Lord, if it’s your will for Drew to be released, show us what we can do to that end. Let us help him, Father, even if he pushes us away. Free him, as you’ve freed so many others. You know he’s innocent.”
Curtis shifted in his seat, as though something in that bothered him, but he didn’t interrupt. Terrance’s hands were clasped like the rest, but his eyes were open, staring at his plate with a hard expression. A cold look, too much like—
“And thank you for bringing Jack into our lives.” I had missed something, but my ears caught my name, and I froze as Taegan continued. No, not me. I wasn't supposed to be noticed. I wasn’t worth noticing. “Father, you alone know what storms have washed over him. Help us be the friends he needs, and show us how to be blessings in his life. Call him to you, Lord, so he can know your love. All this we pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
An echo of “Amens” rippled through the rest, some enthusiastic, others barely a murmur. Terrance was the latter. And why shouldn't he be? He didn't want me—I didn't want me. I didn’t blame him for not liking the prayer. I certainly didn't believe all that about God. If God knew what I’d been through, why hadn’t He done anything about it? I was the only one left on my side without Casp. God was never on it to begin with.
I stepped away from the wall, intending to go.
“Jack?” Taegan’s call stopped me.
I turned slowly, gripping the tray tighter in an attempt to still the way my hands shook.
“Would you like to join us?” he asked, gesturing to the empty place at the table. “We’re just getting started.”
I took a hesitant step into the room. “I-if you d-don’t mind.” I swallowed against the stutter. Don't be weak. “Could I just . . . sit over there?”
He followed my gaze to a short flight of stairs at the other end of the room. He didn't seem put out by the question. I didn't want to know what anyone else thought of it, so I kept my eyes on Taegan.
He smiled. “Sit wherever you like, Jack.”
I nodded in thanks and went to the spot I’d picked out on the stairs with my tray. I felt like a spider lurking in the corner watching everyone, but it was better than being in my room alone, surrounded by . . . by white . . . or darkness.
But spiders had something I didn’t: their webs were their security, mine was my fear that I couldn’t escape.
Chapter End Credits
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~Lexi